Yesterday I decided that I should stop putting off the inevitable and go grocery shopping. On my way, I was thinking it was the perfect time to go because it was in the afternoon before most people got off work and it was a Tuesday – not a big shopping day. However as I pulled into the parking lot I immediately realized this would not be a quick in and out as the parking lot was practically full. For crying out loud! I started thinking, “work’s not out, not a poplular day, it’s the store furthest from the college…Moms. It had to be the stay at home moms in there.” On the way in, I was muttering something about why aren’t they home with their kids as school is now getting out…grumble grumble…it’s FREEZING out here…grumble grumble (by the way it was 11 degrees this morning as I went to work – Barf!) Looking back I can only recall my shopping experience as though being played out by commentators on a game show:
Ladies and gentlemen we’re back as our next contestant enters the
course store. Let’s watch as she makes her way to the carts. This first step is crucial as she needs a good cart to help set her speed through the store. Let’s take a loo – oh the front wheel wobbles!! Well Jim, I can’t say I didn’t see that one coming. Yes Bob that’s the oldest trick in the book! And look, let’s watch that again in slow motion. See how her eyes lift to the ceiling and her mouth starts to move? Is she saying a prayer? (laughter) No, Bob see the slight eye roll? I think she’s saying something else entirely! (laughter)
Well she’s made her way over to the fruit and it looks like something may be wrong. This is her third circle around the apples. It appears that there are no Fuji or Gala apples in stock. This is unbelievable! In all my years commentating I’ve never seen this happen. Yes Jim this is a first. Let’s see what she does. Well it looks like she’s going for an unknown brand of apples. Here’s to hoping they aren’t soft and smooshy.
Alright, looks like she’s in search of bread and bagels. She’s going to have to move around the stocker doing inventory but it looks like she’s successful. Going down the next isle looking for quick pasta dinners and oh – the stocker has now moved to this isle as well. Let’s see if she can manouver around him again. Looking good, moving down the next isle in search of V8 Splash and holy cow! You have got to be kidding! The stocker is now on this isle!! Well Bob, instead of being a stocker maybe he’s a stalker (laughter). Look at this Jim, it looks like she’s saying another “prayer” (more laughter).
Well, she’s decided to forgo the V8 for now and jump ahead a few isles. Oops, looks like she started down the wrong isle and in the middle of turning around another couple with their cart was right behind her. She didn’t see that comming. Alright, she’s now at the toilet paper. Looks like she’s debating on what the best deal would be. Less sheets but considerably cheeper or pay the extra money and have it last longer? I don’t know Jim, but she’s spending entirely way too much time in this isle. You’re right Bob and it looks like she’s starting to realize that too. Look she just grabbed one and threw it into her cart.
Well it looks like she might be winding down her shopping for the day. She just needs sour cream and a can of tomato soup. That’s right Bob and it looks like she’s going for the soup isle first and oh another first!! Two kids playing football in the isle while their mom doesn’t seem to be paying attention! I have to say Bob I’ve never seen someone with such bad luck! That’s right Jim, I can only imagine what her life is like if this is what happens when she goes grocery shopping. Looks like she’s going back out the isle to try coming down the other side. Did you see that Jim? See just about collided with yet another person right behind her wanting to go down the same isle she’s on. That’s right Bob and let’s not forget the display she gently knicked earlier because her cart wouldn’t turn (laughter).
Ok she has her sour cream and is now going back for the soup. Finally lady luck has looked her way! The soup she wants is right at the entry of the isle and she won’t have to try to pass the kids playing football who are still in the isle. That’s right Bob things are looking up. She’s making her way to the check out counter and there is only one lady in front of her whose almost done. It’s a post Christmas miracle! Let’s not get too ahead of ourselves Jim. Looks like the lady knows the checker and they are talking about the checker’s brother. Hmm, that’s good the checker’s brother turned down the offer to return to his old job where he had been a manager and now they were only going to offer him $7 an hour to start at the bottom again…
Ok she’s now making her way out of the store but look at this! Two elderly ladies locked arm in arm making their way (very slowly) out the front door. They look like a barricade and she’s going to have to wait until the coast is clear. Jim would you look at this!! The lady talking to the checker is parked right next to our shopper! Unbelievable! Well Jim this certainly was one shopping trip for the books. Ladies and gentlemen thanks for tunning in this week. Be sure to join us again next week as our shopper attempts to do the impossible as….(voice fades).