A Regret of Sorts

I don’t really have a lot of regrets in my life.  Or if I do/did, I’ve forgotten about them so they must not have made that much of an impression.  But out of the realms of my boredom at work today I remembered a gift that I almost gave someone once.  A little insight to my personality should be noted here so you don’t find me to be a complete nutcase.  I love quirky gifts and cards.  I’m the person who will send you a birthday card that will say something like, “Don’t you hate it when….” followed by something random and you’re left to wonder what that had to do with your birthday.  I’ll tell you, nothing.  It has nothing to do with your birthday I just liked the card and thought you would too.  One of my favorite cards I’ve ever received was from my brother for my birthday this last year.  It has a picture of a birthday fairy sprinkling age dust and when you open it (it’s an audible card) she screams and gets zapped by a bug light.  I love it!  And I have yet to send my mom a sentimental card for, well for anything.  I choose the slightly inappropriate Mother’s Day cards because I know she’ll laugh and that’s just the way I am.

So, the year after I graduated from high school I was back home visiting for Christmas (I was going to college out of state at the time) and I still needed to get a gift for one of my friends but just couldn’t think of that one perfect gift.  I remember I was in Wal-Mart with my mom doing the big Christmas dinner, we have too many freak’n people in our house for way too long, food shopping.  I was mindlessly wandering around the isles and found myself over in the meat section.  It took me a moment to compute what it was that I was looking at but as my attention focused, there it was.  The perfect Christmas gift.  A giant, cellophane wrapped pig’s head!!  I couldn’t believe it.  Literally, I couldn’t believe they would have a pig’s head just laying on top of the chicken cutlets but there it was.

I looked around but either people were too busy to notice or they all thought it was common place for it to be there because no one looked perplexed by this.  So many questions and no answers.  Why was Wal-Mart selling a pig’s head?  Who wrapped it up?  Was it a joke?  How much is this?  Only $7 – what a deal!  Wait, is it?  I imagined wrapping the head up in Frosty the Snowman Christmas paper and handing it over to my friend.  Then I pictured his face and reaction when he tore the paper off.  I must admit it still has me in tears when I think of it.  But then I imagined what would happen when I carried this giant head to the check out.  I could hear the conversation, “What the?  (followed by a look that clearly said I was crazy).  “Oh it’s a Christmas present.” Still receiving the look. “For a friend.  I think he’ll find it funny.  I would.”  And the look continues.  Then I would be a story for the clerk to share on her lunch break.  To them I would always be the girl that bought a pig’s head as a Christmas present for a friend.  I don’t want to be known as the pig head girl!

So I made my way down the isles in search of my mom and never bought the head.  Maybe in the long run it was for the best.  I admit it does sound a little Stephen King-ish but then again…I really would have loved to see his face.  *sigh*

* I found a great picture of a pig’s head that looks pretty close to what the actual head looked like and was going to post it but I don’t know how squimish people are.  Maybe it’s better if you use your imagination.

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13 thoughts on “A Regret of Sorts

  1. If all your readers ever got together for a “Secret Santa” exchange, I don’t know if I’d want you as mine or not. I’d either be really scared or laugh all December long wondering what you’d pick.

    Your comment made me laugh at loud picturing all of us together for a Santa exchange. And it reminded me of the episode of The Office when they did it. Very funny stuff.

  2. So, you must not have given him a present, because nothing could top a pig head wrapped in Christmas Paper!

    You know, I honestly can’t remember. I probably didn’t end up getting him anything.

  3. More ‘God Father’ than Stephen King, I’d say. No one in Wal-mart thought the pig head was abnormal because the people who shop there probably already purchased their pig head for Christmas dinner. A truly awesome gift idea!!!

    Well I went with Stephen King b/c of the whole Carrie idea with the pig’s blood rather than the horse’s head. Anyway, I should have bought it.

  4. I like to give quirky gifts and cards too. My husband (for reasons completely unknown to me) likes to give sentimental cards, but I keep telling him that if we continue to make people read these things out loud then they should at least be funny.

    Anyway (I had a point), the pig head would have been frickin hilarious!!

    Funny thing is that out of everyone on my blogroll I thought you would be the one to appreciate it the best. There is a time and place for sentimental things but Christmas gifts are not that time j/k

  5. It’s probably a good thing you did not gift a pigs head. I mean, “you can put lipstick on a pig, but it’s still a pig.”

    he he he he he …….

    Yeah that’s true. Wait, that’s an even better idea…

  6. HAHA! This is hilarious. I would have loved to see your friends face as well, and I really want you to post all the Christmas gifts you buy when the season gets closer.

    Unfortunately I play it pretty straight when I buy gifts for MOST people b/c they don’t have the same sense of humor. But I’ll have to get creative this year.

  7. I say post the pig head! POST THE PIG HEAD!

    That would have been totally hilarious and disgusting at the same time….a pig head for a gift…..who’d a thought?

    It really would have been hilarious and disgusting at the same time but I think the funny wins out. I would never have thought to buy that for a gift (or for any reason for that matter) had it not been sitting out there.

  8. Only $7 for a pig head? Really? I would have gone higher. So I suppose I would be crap at The Price Is Right.

    I know right. I would have guess about $20 or so. I suck at the Price is Right. Probably b/c you have to guess the prices on cleaning supplies and I suppose I don’t buy them enough to know. Ask me about the prices of candy and there would be no contest.

  9. You didn’t suck at the Price is Right when we went in February. In fact, if they had said “come on down!” I’m pretty sure you would’ve driven away in a brand new car. Or at least got some steak knives out of the deal.

    I wish I would have driven away in a brand new car.

  10. I admit it. It’s “Godfather” all the way.

    Is that your “biggest” regret or one that comes most readily to mind?

    It just came to my mind b/c I was scanning some images here at work that someone took in a market in Korea that had pigs hanging in the background. I honestly don’t know what my biggest regret would be. Most things I think back and say “oh I regret doing or not doing that. I should have or shouldn’t have done that.” But not in the it plagues me everyday way but more like I think of it and shrug my shoulders and move on. So I don’t really count that stuff as regrets. And besides it’s probably stuff like gee, I should have skipped school more or equally lame things of that nature.

  11. Well next time you should post the picture but be sure to warn them before they scroll down for the pic.

    Yes that would’ve been an interesting gift. I enjoy giving the funny yet totally random cards too!

  12. What a perfect idea for my work gag gift.

    Here’s my inapproporiate card story. I was working in a restaurant as a teenager and I found out it was the birthday of one of my fellow waitresses. She hadn’t been there long, just a few months, and we rarely worked the same shift, so we knew very little about each other, nonetheless, I decided to get her a birthday card.

    I opted for a funny far side number with a cartoon of some people picketing a church holding signs saying, “There is no dog”, with the caption, “dislexic atheists”. I gave it to her, and she laughed her head off and asked, “how did you know?”. “Know what?” I asked. “That I’m dislexic” was her reply.

    I’m glad she wasn’t easily offended. We’re still friends.

    Oh man that is hilarious!! I love the Far Side.

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