I don’t really have a lot of regrets in my life. Or if I do/did, I’ve forgotten about them so they must not have made that much of an impression. But out of the realms of my boredom at work today I remembered a gift that I almost gave someone once. A little insight to my personality should be noted here so you don’t find me to be a complete nutcase. I love quirky gifts and cards. I’m the person who will send you a birthday card that will say something like, “Don’t you hate it when….” followed by something random and you’re left to wonder what that had to do with your birthday. I’ll tell you, nothing. It has nothing to do with your birthday I just liked the card and thought you would too. One of my favorite cards I’ve ever received was from my brother for my birthday this last year. It has a picture of a birthday fairy sprinkling age dust and when you open it (it’s an audible card) she screams and gets zapped by a bug light. I love it! And I have yet to send my mom a sentimental card for, well for anything. I choose the slightly inappropriate Mother’s Day cards because I know she’ll laugh and that’s just the way I am.
So, the year after I graduated from high school I was back home visiting for Christmas (I was going to college out of state at the time) and I still needed to get a gift for one of my friends but just couldn’t think of that one perfect gift. I remember I was in Wal-Mart with my mom doing the big Christmas dinner, we have too many freak’n people in our house for way too long, food shopping. I was mindlessly wandering around the isles and found myself over in the meat section. It took me a moment to compute what it was that I was looking at but as my attention focused, there it was. The perfect Christmas gift. A giant, cellophane wrapped pig’s head!! I couldn’t believe it. Literally, I couldn’t believe they would have a pig’s head just laying on top of the chicken cutlets but there it was.
I looked around but either people were too busy to notice or they all thought it was common place for it to be there because no one looked perplexed by this. So many questions and no answers. Why was Wal-Mart selling a pig’s head? Who wrapped it up? Was it a joke? How much is this? Only $7 – what a deal! Wait, is it? I imagined wrapping the head up in Frosty the Snowman Christmas paper and handing it over to my friend. Then I pictured his face and reaction when he tore the paper off. I must admit it still has me in tears when I think of it. But then I imagined what would happen when I carried this giant head to the check out. I could hear the conversation, “What the? (followed by a look that clearly said I was crazy). “Oh it’s a Christmas present.” Still receiving the look. “For a friend. I think he’ll find it funny. I would.” And the look continues. Then I would be a story for the clerk to share on her lunch break. To them I would always be the girl that bought a pig’s head as a Christmas present for a friend. I don’t want to be known as the pig head girl!
So I made my way down the isles in search of my mom and never bought the head. Maybe in the long run it was for the best. I admit it does sound a little Stephen King-ish but then again…I really would have loved to see his face. *sigh*
* I found a great picture of a pig’s head that looks pretty close to what the actual head looked like and was going to post it but I don’t know how squimish people are. Maybe it’s better if you use your imagination.