A Little Late but Still Applicable

New Rules For 2008 []



New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com !  There’s a reason you don’t talk to people for 25 years.  Because you don’t particularly like them!? Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days–mowing my lawn.



New Rule: Don’t eat anything that’s served to you out a window unless you’re a seagull.  People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy’s chili.  Hey, it cost less than a dollar.  What did you expect it to contain?? Trout?



New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged.  I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.



New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you’re a dope.  If you’re a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols.  If you’re a grown man, they’re pictures of men.



New Rule:? Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone.  Here’s how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we’re done.



New Rule: There’s no such thing as flavored water.  There’s a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste.  Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink.  You want flavored water?  Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt.  That’s your flavored water.



New Rule: Stop screwing with old people.  Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that’s square, with a bigger label.  And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.



New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole.  If you walk into a Starbucks and order a “decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one sweet-n’-Low, and one NutraSweet,” ooh, you’re a huge asshole.



New Rule: I’m not the cashier!  By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing “Enter,” verifying the amount, deciding no, I don’t want cash back, and pressing “Enter” again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.



New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn’t make you spiritual.  It’s right above the crack of your ass.  And it translates to “beef with broccoli.”  The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren’t pregnant.  You’re not spiritual.  You’re just high.



New Rule: Competitive eating isn’t a sport.   It’s one of the seven deadly sins.  ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned ex citing. What’s next, competitive farting???  Oh wait!?  They’re already doing that. It’s called “The Howard Stern Show.”



New Rule: I don’t need a bigger mega M&Ms.  If I’m extra hungry for M&Ms, I’ll go nuts and eat two. 



New Rule: If you’re going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what’s playing on the other screens.  Let’s remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn’t good enough to be a movie.



New Rule: No more gift registries.  You know, it used to be just for weddings.  Now it’s for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab.  Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn’t gift giving, it’s the white people version of looting.



New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants.  After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael.  I can’t even tell if he’s supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish.  I don’t want to be on your web cam, dude.  I just want to wash my hands.



New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don’t need to know in months.  “27 Months.”  “He’s two,” will do just fine.  He’s not a cheese.  And I didn’t really care in the first place.



New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God’s sake don’t pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh.  If so, then plan your future around saying, “Do you want fries with that?” 

** I did not write this blog entry.  It was a forwarded email and was written/performed by the comedian George Carlin **


9 thoughts on “A Little Late but Still Applicable

  1. I could use larger plain M&Ms. The peanut ones are perfect size the way they were originally designed. M&Ms, second to caffeine (straight black coffee and Mt. Dew…but not together!), are my greatest weakness. The thought of a larger plain M&M makes my mouth water!

  2. I laughed so hard I feel off the couch – I needed the laugh (I really needed the laugh) and I needed to get my butt off the couch.

    Thank you!

  3. A former co-worker of mine got drunk one night while on business in Tampa. He came home with a tattoo on his butt in Chinese characters that translated into BITCH.

  4. morethananelectrician: I wouldn’t mind larger plain M&Ms. I used to drink cokes so much that I could swear I had caffeine running in my veins. My favorite was mixing Cherry Coke with Mt. Dew. But I drank it so much I decided to cut out all caffeine and carbonation. It’s been over a year and some days all I can taste is that perfect cherry coke/Mt. Dew blend. Yum!

    fivehusbands: I’m very glad you enjoyed it…and were able to get off the couch!

    gibsondog: I agree about the cashier. Especially when I’m behind an older person that is struggling with it. Give them a break for crying out loud! They’re in the retirement stage in life, not looking for part time work at K-Mart.

    Sarah: I hate registries. To me it’s like they’re telling me what to buy them which in my opinion is not a gift. I usually opt for a gift card instead. And as George pointed out, there are too many occasions where people use the registry. Next thing you know it’ll be the norm to buy someone a gift for just going on a date with someone, forget marriage and babies…although, in my case that would be a cause for celebration. Hmmm….something to think about.

    Pammy Girl: How did he find out that’s what it meant? Did he drop trou and ask someone to read it?

  5. Your last rule got me to thinking: I’ll probably just stick with 2 piercings… or start my own company! Then, if I don’t like the way i look, I can just fire my pierced face.

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