Church Menu

For those of you not familiar with the term a single’s ward, it breaks down to a church for single people ages 18-30 respectively.  I attend one of these and have since I was 18 more or less.  It’s aim is to be a place where you can meet and hang out with people your own age with similar interests and despite what those in charge say, it’s main objective is to marry you off.  There are all sorts of inside jokes and cliches attached to the single’s ward.  One of these is the ward menu, aka the church directory.

Like any church directory, it’s primary function is supposed to provide information that will help others get to know you (name, phone number, email, and picture).  But in the single’s ward, other than being a great stalking tool, it has become a way for everyone to check everyone else out in the comfort of their own home.  One is able to scroll through the pages and determine who they like and with whom they would like to meet and try out (go out with)- hence the idea of a menu.

For years I’ve managed to not have my picture as part of the menu.  Sometimes I move in after it’s been put together and printed out, sometimes I move out before it’s put together, and sometimes I make it a point to avoid the camera.  When I moved and started this new ward I’m in, they already had one so once again I managed to fall through the cracks so to speak.  A few months later, they decided to put together a new one.  Try as I might, I was unsuccessful in avoiding the camera.  After the picture was taken, the girl asked if I wanted to see it.  I said no because I knew no matter what it looked like I would hate it, so better not to look.

This was back in January.  Fast forward to yesterday.  I had completely forgotten about the directory.  Then yesterday they announced that it was finally put together and please take a copy after the meeting.  I took one and actually forgot to look at it until last night.  For working on it all this time, it was lacking.  There were only pictures with names and no other information.  And all the pictures were black and white and tiny.  Noticing that, I actually felt a little relieved.  Then I opened to my picture.  Like the others, it was small, black and white.  And it was also grainy.  But for some reason it was also taken a little closer up than most of the others.  Not to mention the day the picture was taken, I was wearing a cream turtle neck and had to stand in front of a white wall.  So the end result is… a large floating head!  Lovely.  I guess I’m to blame since it’s my big head and I didn’t look at the picture afterwards.  But really people?  You didn’t notice that? 

Without skipping a beat, I did exactly what I hate the most about the directory and flipped to find who I will refer to as GP (genetically perfect), only to discover that GP somehow managed to have a perfect picture.  In added mockery the directory gods said, “Not only will we give you an over inflated, floating head for a picture, we will give GP a GQ snapshot and you will have as a reminder that the directory is as close as the two of you will ever get.  BWAHAHAHA!!”  Thank you directory gods. *sigh* Thanks a lot.

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15 thoughts on “Church Menu

  1. Hillarious. I’m sure your picture isn’t as bad as you think it is! The ward sounds like a meat market. I would never put my cell in there or my e-mail for that matter.

  2. Mhhh, church stalking you say… I guess things could’ve ended up worse for you: your pic could’ve been one of a floating butt, or something like that.

  3. This floating head picture goes along quite nicely with the one mom took in front of the storage cabinet in the kitchen… the one where the handles behind you and make it look as though you have horns coming out of the top of your head. I’m sure it’s not as bad as you think.

    I also avoided the directory for many years. You call them GP, I called them Beautiful People, and I hated them. That’s why I go to a family ward. Well, that and the fact that I’m too old to go to a singles ward. Enjoy it.

  4. cs: Thanks for stopping by and commenting! I’m pretty good at laughing at myself – good thing since I find myself in abundant situations where I can. This is another one of those times!

    Lynne: No, really it is. I’m going to have to scan the photo and post it. If it will even scan. I don’t usually think it’s a good idea to put email or phone information in there however, our ward is big on emailing announcements and changes. Plus I use both with visiting teaching.

    duffboy: This is true. It could always be worse!

    Pammy Girl: Ah, yes the devil horned pic. I’m going to have to find that one. LOL! And as I said to Lynne – it is as bad as I think. Beautiful people works for everyone else but this one particular guy is the only one I refer to as GP. Because he’s the only one that is.

  5. You definitely have to post the floating head picture. I have one of my grandpa wearing a white suit or shirt with a white background and all you see is a head. I’d be more than happy to email it to you if you’d like a good laugh at someone else’s expense. 🙂

  6. Awwww…don’t you want to post the picture here?

    I’m sure it’s much better than you perceive it to be…I’m wondering if you did one of your famous poses like I see on the Flickr sidebar.

  7. jenefur: Unfortunatly I walked out of the house without the pic and I don’t have a scanner at home. I might need to make a special run to get it! That’s pretty funny about your grandpa’s head. It always cracks me up when the photographer misses things that are so obvious later.

    morethananelectrician: That’s a great idea! I really should have gone with one of my more traditional poses. I have more than enough to choose from.

    Allison: I forgot to bring the pic (along with a lot of other stuff I need) so I may have to run back home. Looking back, I regret not doing one of my famous poses. Try to do something different and looks where it gets me LOL!

  8. We have this family picture and we are all wearing black and green (yeah I know the whole matching thing is pretty embarrassing in it’s self…) and they used a black background for some reason. My brother who is in an all black sweater totally has this floating head syndrome. I laugh every time I see that picture.

  9. About two years ago I spent some time back in the old hometown (Boise) and one Saturday afternoon I was at a small neighborhood park with my daughter.

    Being friendly, I struck up a conversation with a couple of the moms and we chatted for half-an-hour or so. When we got to the part of the conversation where we talked about where in the neighborhood we lived (so our munchkins could play together) and we realized how close we were, one of the mother’s burst out in excitement “what ward are you in?!”

    I smiled and explained that I wasn’t a member of the LDS church (I’d been asked that MANY times before). She looked slightly more crestfallen than if I’d have kicked her puppy.

    The conversation petered out and the two mothers moved off to another part of the playground. The mother who was sitting on the other side of the long bench from me pointed at my hand and leaned over to say, “No wedding band. She didn’t recognize you from the menu, but she was hoping you were in the singles ward.”

    I’d understood the singles ward part, but until today I never got the “menu” part. Thank you SO MUCH for explaining one of the great mysteries of my life!

  10. Sadiesadie: That is funny – and in color no less! I really don’t understand why the person taking the picture doesn’t point out little details like that.

    Dead Charming: LOL! That’s kind of funny. I’m not from Utah/Idaho/ LDS area so moving here it was kind of odd for it to be so common place. I always end up doing the opposite of what that lady did. Instead of assuming you are LDS, I always assume people aren’t. Which can come out looking funny to everyone else especially when I’m telling some story that has to do with me at church or my mission and start to explain the background of what that entails. I get the “Duh. We know what you’re talking about” look.

    Glad I could help with solving a life mystery! My deed for the day is done! If there are others, you know who to ask!

  11. Ok, the vision of you getting half-way through explaining what a “mission” is to some stranger in a SLC are mall just cracks me up. The facial expressions you get some days must be priceless.

    And as you are clearly the QUEEN of facial expressions, that just makes the whole thing funnier to me.

  12. Dead Charming: Oh the looks I get are priceless alright! But I would rather them think I was an idiot and give me the looks than assume someone knows what I’m talking about when they really have no clue and are lost in the conversation. I am the queen of faces – you have no idea!! I think it’s so much more fun to see silly faces than the same ones with a smile all the time.

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